2am thoughts

It’s almost 2 AM and I can’t sleep. This is not the first time, in fact, it’s my everyday story since the 15th July. It’s 10 days of not sleeping well already. Are you asking why? Well, so am I. There’s this thing, the novel I’m very passionate about and I want to finish it as soon as possible, so I try to write everyday, even just a little. However, for the last 10 days, I can’t really put a single meaningful word together. Let me tell you about what happened on the 15th July.

As you may or may not know, on the 15th July late at night, there was a military coup in Turkey. I was just about to start writing, but before I turned my phone off, I checked my Twitter. Turns out, it was a terrible idea. It was full of news from Turkey. No one knew what is happening, I could see photos of army in the streets, live videos from the squares full of people shouting at the army. I read the BBC live news and I already knew this is going to be even worse. I felt it. I felt that tonight, something big and terrible is happening. I shut the news at 2 AM and I opened my laptop. There was a romantic and emotional chapter waiting for me to be written. I opened Word and stared at the blank page. I couldn’t do it. Every time I started typing some word, my mind filled up with the news, photos and videos and I remember thinking “Holy shit, what the hell is wrong in this world?” and most importantly “I don’t want to say this out loud, but it seems to familiar to beginning of a war.” How was I supposed to write something so nice, heart-warming, loving and powerful with these awful thoughts going on and on inside me. The only words I wrote that day were:

“Fine,” she said.

I gave up that night. I closed the laptop and fell asleep. I woke up and immediately turned on the TV. Erdogan was still a president. This is not good, I remember telling to myself and here we are, 10 days later:

50 000 policemen, soldiers, judges and teachers fired
11 000 people in prison
1229 non-profit organizations closed
1043 private schools closed
270 people dead
35 hospitals closed
15 universities closed
And it’s not all. The day before, there was an attack in Nice. A few days after that, a guy with an axe and a knife attacked people on a train. Another guy started firing in a shopping centre. Another day, another bombing – this time in Kabul. Today, some guy killed a woman with machete.

With all of these horrific news we get every day, it’s difficult to stay positive. I’ve tried. There has been no post last week, because every time I sat down and tried to write something funny, positive, optimistic, I felt like an idiot. Like an idiot, who’s trying to pretend like nothing happens. I don’t want to be that idiot. I want to talk about the events we have to fight with every day. If someone doesn’t like that, then okay, just leave this website.

I know in times like these, we need to seek happiness and optimistic view of our world, but we shouldn’t forget. We should talk and discuss, we should learn from what we live through, so us and our kids and grandkids won’t make the same mistakes again. We need to fight. Fight for a better world. I know it seems cheesy and clichĂ©, but it is true. Being aware of attacks and terrorism and mourning dead is definitely needed, but it is just as important as trying to spread more love and laugh. This world may be a mess, but we didn’t run out of reasons to smile. Not yet.

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