I’m often wondering about the world we’re living in. There are so many issues, so much hatred and expectations. All the society cares about is your gender, you sexuality, what you’re doing, how are you doing it and if what you’re doing is in the scale of “normal.” There’s so much pressure on behaving right, doing what is right and just being right, but what the right is about? We’re trying to fight against the number of people affected by depression, but I’m not sure if we see that we’re causing them.
As for me, at my 16 years, my life is all about things I have to do. I have to decide what do I want to do, I have to go to school, I have to have good grades, I have to do all the exams, I have to finish the school, later on, I have to go to university, find a job, get married, have children and… well, die. That’s my life, all lined up as it’s seen by many people around me. No one really asks me, if that’s what I want to do. Obviously, the answer would be no, I don’t. The only thing I can do about it is fight against the rules. Pretending I know what I’m doing, but being lost on inside. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I am going to do. What if I won’t pass the exams? What if I won’t be accepted to the university? What if I WILL be accepted to the university? I haven’t got a faintest idea. Everyone supposes I have all the answers, I have it sorted out, but the truth is totally different. I’m lost.
However, I like being lost. There’s always something positively magical about being lost. Deep inside, you feel like you should be worried and trying to find a way out of the trouble, but actually, you enjoy it. It feels like you’re finally free. Without any duties. Without limits. And that’s what I feel right now. I don’t know what I want to do, but you know what? Fuck it. I don’t care. I’ve always cared about what people think about me and how they see me as a person, as a friend, as a sister, daughter. I was always worried that I’ll dissapoint people I love, but I’m not scared anymore. If you don’t like me for who I truly am, then I don’t see any reason why I should keep you near my heart. I’m not going to be the one, who cares about everyone more than about myself. I deserve to have some time for myself, to solve my own problems, to do things that make me happy and if you don’t like it, then… bye.
I think I changed a lot. For someone I changed into a better person. For someone I’m not a person, they would like to be friends with anymore. That’s fine, as long as I feel fine with myself. I think that’s the most important thing to do, if you want to feel better with yourself. You have to realize that you can’t love anyone else, if you don’t love yourself. You can’t make progress if you don’t feel comfortable in your own body. I know it’s difficult. I’m still not quite there, I still have a lot to do, but I’m getting there. The key to happiness is being confident. Being satisfied with yourself. And if you’re not, keep working.
It will hurt,
you will feel like crap,
you will be sweaty as fuck,
you will probably spend a few nights awake, crying and staring at stars, wishing everything would be easier, but at the end… you’ll feel phenomenal, I promise.
Fuck the whole world.
Work as hard as you can.
I believe in you.